I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed. – Psalm 37:25-26
Psalm 37:25 has been on my mind a lot lately. At church a couple of weeks ago, the church organist mentioned to us in Sunday school that she’d had a song stuck in her head. I went home and listened to that song on repeat, and I loved it. It made me think so much about my life and how much God has been there for me, and I’d like to share that with you today.
Just a bit of testimony
In the moment, it’s sometimes hard to see God’s hand moving, but He’s there nonetheless. Sometimes He provides a solution to a problem before you even know there is one. This happened in my childhood. Between a bad back and a pacemaker, the doctor told my dad it was best if he didn’t work, especially in the field he was in. I noticed little difference in my life except that he was home more, that he took me to more doctor appointments, that he had supper ready when we got home in the evenings. Children are resilient that way, I suppose.
But my parents noticed. They noticed we went from two incomes to one. They noticed the cuts they had to make. They noticed the bills and the mortgage payments and the surprise expenses. They noticed that the situation could’ve gone south pretty quickly. But we made it through. We made it through because God had given us help before we even knew we needed it.
What sticks out in my mind the most is my mother’s job. That may sound strange, but let me explain. My mom started teaching at an elementary school well over a decade earlier. That job gave her a good insurance plan that included all three of us children. That job gave her security, especially after teaching at that school for so long. That job gave her an opportunity to further her education to make a higher salary, thus giving us more money for our needs.
If she hadn’t had that job, we may have struggled a whole lot more. And we may have not. But what amazes me is that when God led her to that job, He knew. He knew what would happen. He knew how that job would help us keep going. He provided for us before we even knew it.
And He’s been providing for us ever since.
Flash forward about ten years, and Mom had worked long enough in the school system to retire. Between her retirement and the help my father was getting by that point, she could to afford to retire and take care of my grandmothers. And He provided for us while they were sick, and I’m not just talking about financially. He provided us support when we least expected it. He provided us a change in perspective, to realize how much we mattered to one another and how important it is to work together. He provided us assurance that He’s there. Best of all, He provided comfort as our grandmothers lay dying, comfort that we’d see them again, that this was just a temporary goodbye.
And then when I graduated college, He provided me a job. Not right away. I had to wait for it, but in that wait, He reminded me that He IS listening, even if I don’t realize it in that moment. For I searched almost a year for a job. And suddenly out of nowhere, the organization that I volunteered at had an opening for an as-needed position. After an interview, I got the job. And then the employee I worked with the most while volunteering moved and recommended me for her position. Suddenly, I went from volunteer to PRN employee to full-time employee. I worked in that position for eight months before He told me to quit.
Surprised? Yeah, I was, too. For a couple of months, I’d been haunted by the niggling suspicion I wasn’t doing what God wanted me to do. See, God had called me to be a writer before I even went to college. I worried about the financial stability of that career, though, and was going to just do it on the side. But God said, “No. I want you to write. Let Me worry about the money.” I took Him completely seriously for a few years. Until I took a class in college that focused on grant writing, and I thought, “Oh, that’s what He meant for me to do.” So, I graduated with that in mind and went looking for a job.
That full-time job I got? Not grant writing. It was at a nonprofit, a great nonprofit, in fact. But I wasn’t doing any writing, not even on the side. As time went by, I kept feeling more and more restless. One night, I voiced my frustrations to my mother, and she said, “Do you think this job is what God wants you to do?”
I had to answer honestly and say, “No.”
“What does God want you to do, then?” she asked.
“He wants me to write.”
“Then you should do that.”
I prayed about it that night, and the answer hit me like a freight train. God wanted me to quit my job and write. I worried and fretted. “This job has benefits,” I argued. “I won’t be on Mom’s insurance forever.” But the answer didn’t change.
The next morning, before I even mentioned to my parents about my conversation with God, Mom looked at me and said, “Your dad and I talked about it, and if that’s what God wants you to do, we’ll support you.”
A few days later, I told my supervisor that when I returned from my time off, I’d put in my notice. With no idea what I’d do, I quit my job.
And here I am today.
It sounded crazy to me then, and sometimes it still sounds crazy. Writing a book is harder than I ever imagined, especially when I’m trying so hard to make sure it’s the book God wants me to write. I haven’t made a single cent off my writing, and to some, I probably seem like a layabout. I told myself when I quit that I’d serve God unafraid, unashamed, and unapologetic. Yet I’ve found myself in the past couple of years afraid of the future, ashamed of my little progress at 25, and apologetic for not having what the world deems a normal job.
But I’m not going hungry. I’m not having to worry about a roof over my head. And I’m here at home to help my parents. I had no idea this year would be full of so many surgeries, that we would have to readjust not only our schedules but also our routines. But God knew. He knew I’d need a flexible schedule. He knew I’d need to be at home. He knew I’d be babysitting my nieces more and more as my parents deal with various health issues and my sister and brother-in-law work in the fields God has placed them in. He knew the most important job I’d ever had wouldn’t be a paid one. Paid in money, at least. But blessings? That’s a whole different currency, and I’ve never been short of it.
Final thoughts
That’s the amazing thing about God. He not only has provided for us in the past, but He’s still providing for us in the present, and He’ll continue providing for us in the future. And so I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t matter what the world thinks but what God thinks. I keep reminding myself that I should follow God’s lead and not my peers’. I keep reminding myself that God has His eye on the sparrow, and He watches me, too.
I keep reminding myself that He’ll always make a way, even if I can’t see one. And I hope that this post reminds you of that, too.
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand. – Psalm 37:23-24
