Have you ever taken part in mom-shaming? I have, and I’m not even a mother! Unless you count watching my nieces while my sister and brother-in-law are at work. If you don’t know what mom-shaming is, it’s when one comments on her parenting, criticizing what she does or doesn’t do.
But let’s face it, criticism isn’t limited to moms. We criticize each other way too often. And I think the crux of the issue is that we need to feel better about ourselves, and instead of rejoicing in the love of our family or our Lord, we seek that validation by degrading others. Because we don’t have to be perfect as long as we’re doing better than our neighbor, right?
Um, no.
But it seems that mothers get the brunt of criticism. Someone always knows how to parent your child better than you do, right? Because every child is the same, right? Yet these people aren’t the ones up with your child at three in the morning when he suddenly decides he’s had enough sleep and begins running up and down the hall. They aren’t the ones trying to wrangle your toddler into a clean diaper because she suddenly decided she’s a gymnast and needs to practice her backflip right now!
Being an aunt has opened my eyes to many things regarding children, but it’s also opened my eyes to the pressures on parents. Perhaps I feel it so keenly because my sister has confided in me during moments when she’s felt like she’s failing her kids. I never realized how critical mothers are of one another. And social media seems to just make it worse.
Some claim if you don’t breastfeed your child, you’re not a good mom. But what if your baby is like my niece who didn’t nurse well? Aren’t we supposed to put the child’s needs first? Well, I’d rather see a baby bottle-fed than starved. And if you don’t make your own baby food, you’re not a good mom? Look lady, I’m too busy for that, and I don’t even have kids yet!
Can we just take a chill pill for a minute and remember what the Bible says about encouraging one another? Because let’s be real, the Scripture doesn’t say “Thou shalt not bottle-feed your child,” it says, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Prov. 22:6). So instead of worrying about whether or not the child is in the right preschool, diaper brand, or what-have-you, why don’t we focus on bringing up our children in church?
Here’s the thing, the Bible is full of imperfect mothers. Every mother mentioned in the Bible was human, therefore imperfect. Even Mary. Mary left Jesus at the temple. How do you think that made her feel? I’m sure after being scared out of her wits, she was embarrassed. God gave her His Son, and she left Him. Just let that sink in. Her child was perfect, but that didn’t make her the perfect mom. The Perfect Mom is a paradigm no one can ever achieve. The more we strive to reach that goal, the further we’re going to fall, and the more we begin to criticize others in an attempt to feel better.
When I look back on my childhood, I don’t think about whether the house was always clean or supper was on the table regularly. I don’t think about how often we ate out versus ate a home-cooked meal. What I think about is my mother sitting on her bed with a textbook in one hand and a highlighter in the other. You may think that’s an odd memory, but it’s one that defines my childhood.
When my father was declared disabled and couldn’t work anymore, we became dependent upon my mother’s income. As a teacher, if she received a higher degree, she would get a larger salary, so she went back to get her specialist’s degree. I understood even then that she was doing it for us, for our family. We banded together, my father, my sisters, and me, dividing chores around the house to help her. On Saturdays, she’d go to class and then come home to work on her schoolwork. We proofread her essays. We helped her with projects. We went to her graduation. We were as involved as we could be.
My mother’s asked me from time to time if I felt slighted in my childhood. She’s worried that her job took up too much of her time. But I never felt like I was getting pushed to the side. You see, it wasn’t about how much time I had with my mother but what she did with that time. She somehow managed to bond with us while working at the same time. We helped her set up her classroom. We helped her clean up her classroom. We helped her put together class goody bags. We were together in ways that counted. Not only do we appreciate teachers more, we also learned the importance of hard work.
And you know what? I’ve never told her that. I’ve never told her that she was the subject of my middle school essay, that when my teacher told us to write about our role model, she was the first person to come to mind. Why? Because as soon as the teacher told us our writing prompt, I immediately saw my mother sitting on her bed studying. And I knew that was the person I wanted to one day be.
So go hug your mom. And for goodness’ sake, don’t be ashamed when you mess up. Enjoy what you have right now, because one day, your child will look back and see the quality of what you gave her. She won’t worry about the cleanliness of the house or the gourmet quality of the meals. She’ll think of the lessons you taught her, the sacrifices you made for her.
And if you’re struggling, remember others are struggling. Go tell a mom friend what you admire about her. Send her a random encouragement during the day. And if you don’t agree with what she does, just accept it for what it is: a difference of opinion. Abusing a child should never be overlooked, but giving their child a juicebox instead of milk isn’t a cardinal sin.
The only perfect parent is our Father, and introducing our children to Him and encouraging that relationship is the greatest act of love. But not only did God direct us to bring up our children in the Word, He also commanded us to love one another, and He wants us to encourage each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.
The next time we want to criticize a mother, why don’t we stop and take a second to find something we admire? There’s a mom at my church who somehow manages to get herself and her three kids (5, 3, and 1) dressed and to church ON TIME! And a friend of mine has her children at every service. Her Wednesday afternoon routine is practically an art form. And another friend takes her child’s health very seriously and would rather keep her toddler at home than spread the germs through the nursery. There’s always something nice to say, and maybe if we shared those nice thoughts instead of keeping them inside, we could give someone the encouragement they need.
Do you agree? Do you have good memories of your mother? Are there any mothers out there you admire? Leave a comment and let me know!
For more on the myth of the perfect parent, check out my post You Will Never Be a Perfect Parent (And That’s Okay).
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